Professor Gandalf
by Earendil Eldar
Summary: Gandalf comes to Hogwarts to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts... unfortunately for Hogwarts, Gandalf is a little out of touch with the times. COMPLETE!
1. Of Wizards and Hobbits

Chapter 1 - Of Wizards and Hobbits

Scene opens on the Defense Against the Dark Arts room already filled with students, chattering and milling about.

Hermione: Shouldnt we all sit down and be quiet? Maybe we should start studying the text book, that way we might actually know what is being taught.

Harry: Actually, i really think someone should try to go find the new teacher. It's been 15 minutes since class was supposed to start. What if something has happened?

Ron: If something has actually happened the last thing we should do is go out wandering the halls.

In walks Gandalf, whistling "_The Road Goes Ever On_."

Gandalf: Good afternoon, my dear Hobbits.

Hermione: Excuse me, sir, but we are not Hobbits, and you are 15 minutes late. 

Gandalf looks both very confused and a bit disgruntled.

Gandalf: A wizard is never late... well, actually, people are always telling me that i am late. But in actual fact, i have arrived precisely when i meant to. And by all appearances you are indeed Hobbits.

Ron: (mutters to Harry) I like that line about wizards never being late. I should keep that for Snape's class.

Harry: What's a Hobbit?

Gandalf: It would take me a month to explain that, Mr.... (pulls out his name chart) Potter. There, see, you are a Hobbit. Hobbits are excellent potters. Let me see, who else is here? Finnigan, Goyle, Granger. Where are the Bagginses and Boffins? The Bolgers? Brandybucks? The Gamgees and the Gardners? Not even Proudfeet? Oh! Here's one. Longbottom... ah, Longbottom, yes. 

Everyone looks around confused, having never heard of Baggins, Boffins, Bolgers, Brandybucks, Gamgees, or Proudfeet.

Gandalf: So, i am supposed to teach you how to defend yourselves against the Dark Arts, am i? I would first like to know why exactly this place is called a school of wizardry. One can not learn magic. Why are they sending Hobbits here? Hobbits may be amazing creatures, but they are not magic. And where are the elves? One would think there would surely be elves here to assist with the magic. 

Hermione: Elves are not permitted to practice magic, sir.

Gandalf: (outraged) What?! But they are magic by their very nature! How could they not be permitted to practice magic?! 

Hermione: I agree completely, Professor Gandalf! Would you like to join S.P.E.W. - The Society for the Protection of Elfish Welfare? 

Gandalf: Elves? Needing to be protected by Hobbits? Oh, what has the world come to?! I would certainly aid you in your quest to defend the elves!

Hermione looks very smug, what else is new.

Ron and Harry groan.

Gandalf: Why are elves not permitted the use of their magic? 

Ron: Because they are annoying and weird little gits!

Gandalf: What is a 'git'? Are you referring to Figwit?? I never met a little elf before. Granted, i have met some extremely annoying and weird elves. Are these all relations of Elrond, these annoying elves? 

Harry: (to Ron) I think we are going to be doing more teaching than Professor Gandalf is.

Gandalf: Well, it would be wise if i go now to organize a council on the matter of this elvish oppression. I can see why they want to teach Hobbits to defend against the Dark Arts. If elves are in such plight, Sauron must have pried the preci... the One Ring, from Gollum's melting grasp.

Harry: Sau-who?

Gandalf: Sauron is the darkest, most evil of all the Maiar. He was a servant of Morgoth in first age. I thought they taught you history in this institution... have you not even studied the great Professor J. R. R. Tolkien's _Silmarillion_? 

No one has any clue what he is talking about... Ron and Harry look over at Hermione, expecting to see her hand fly upward to recite the whole book, but even Hermione was perplexed. 

Gandalf shakes his head wearily.   
  
Gandalf: Alright, i want everyone to get a copy of the following books: _The Silmarillion, The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, The Two Towers, and The Return of the King_, and if you are wise you will pick a copy of the _Tolkien Reader _and _A Guide to Middle-earth _as well. 

Hermione: You really should have assigned these books when we got our start of term letters, Professor Gandalf. 

Gandalf: Well, i had assumed that they would have taught you _something_ here! Do any of you even speak Sindarin? 

Everyone: (stares blankly)

Gandalf: _Quenuvalye i lamber Eldareva?_

Stares only grow blanker, if that is possible.

Gandalf: Fine. Fine. Let us not waste our entire hour. Let me see... defense... the first thing you will need to know is how to kill an orc. Please bring forth your swords or bows.

Ron looks terrified.

Ron: I didnt know we were supposed to buy swords. Why do we need swords???

Hermione: Professor! We do not have swords and bows!

Gandalf: Axes?

Hermione: We are children, we are not permitted to own weapons like that.

Gandalf: Children? Mighty tall Hobbits then aren't you? You haven't all been into Treebeard's Entdaught have you? May i ask how you do defend yourselves when confronted with the forces of evil?

Hermione: Ask Harry. He has defeated Lord Voldemort once a year every single year since we got here!

Gandalf: Who is this Lord Voldemort?

Everyone: WHO IS LORD VOLDE... (most of the trail off when they realize they almost say his name.)

Harry: Lord VoldeMORT is the most powerful and evil wizard.

Gandalf: (under his breath, Seinfeld-esque) Saruman!

Hermione: Professor Gandalf, may i demonstrate?

Gandalf: (mutters) Finally, someone else is going to take charge. (Out loud) Please, do, my young Hobbit.

Gandalf sits down.

Hermione: (annoyed) We aren't Hobbits... whatever they are.

Hermione demonstrates for Gandalf a few of the more complicated spells. 

Ron: (mutters) Show-off.

Gandalf: That is very curious! What is that stick you are brandishing about? Some sort of bowl-less pipe?

Hermione: (getting frustrated) It's a wand, Professor. I told you, we are too young to smoke, not that we would want to anyway. 

Gandalf: Non-sense! I have never heard of a Hobbit not smoking! Why, old Bilbo and i must have smoked barrels of Southfarthing weed. Now, mind you, Peregrin and Meriadoc were far more fond of it than any Hobbits i have ever encountered. (Laughs reminiscently) Never shall i forget the day Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli and i found the little fellows sitting there at flooded Isengard. Speaking of Isengard, why does Saruman now call himself Voldemort? And how does this young Hobbit encounter him? 

Harry: I dont know who Saruman is, but Lord Voldemort's real name is Tom Riddle.

Gandalf: Tom Riddle?? Yes... Riddles in the Dark. Well, that almost makes sense, but please do not tell me that old Tom Bombadil is involved in this.

Harry: I'm sure he's not, Professor. (Says Harry in an attempt to shut Gandalf up.)

Gandalf: Well, tell me then, how did you manage to defeat Saruman? Do you have the power to summon the Eagle-lords as well? 

Harry: I don't think so, but then, i didnt know i was a parsel-tongue either. Though i did have help from Professor Dumbledore's phoenix, Fawkes, once. 

Gandalf: (Dubiously) You dont hang around Radagast, do you?

Harry: Who?

Gandalf: Never mind... You, Longbottom! 

Neville looks scared at Gandalf's sudden notice of him. 

Neville: Ye-yes, Professor?

Gandalf: Look, everyone stop calling me professor, it's really annoying. I have been called everything from Olorin of the West to (shudder) Gand-dude. Just call me Gandalf, ok? Just Gandalf! Anyway, have you got any pipeweed with you, young Hobbit. I think i need a smoke more than anything right now. 

Neville: (looking really confused) I don't have any weeds, Prof... uh... Gandalf. 

Gandalf: Athelas? 

Neville: Huh?

Gandalf: Nevermind. Just make sure you send for some from home. I havent had Longbottom leaf in ages... literally!

Neville stares and nods dumbly. The entire Slytherin side of the room is cackling about Gandalf. 

Gandalf: You all seem to know what pipeweed is!

Malfoy: (whispers, not very quietly) Our Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is a stoner! Wait until father hears this!

Hermione: I reluctantly agree with Malfoy. This elderly man is not qualified to teach this class. He is clearly delusional. 

Ron: I like him. We havent had to do any work, at this rate we wont have any all year. He doesnt have Voldemort stuck to the back of his head. He's not a self-obsessed git, he's not a werewolf -

Harry stares angrily at Ron.

Ron: Sorry, Harry, i dont mean that in a _bad_ way... He's not a lunatic pretending to be a... lunatic. And there isnt a trace of pink in here. Though, the swords are a little unnerving....

Gandalf: Well, i suppose you can all leave now. There is nothing further for us to discuss just now. Remember to get those books. I believe i must have a wizards council with this Dumbledore fellow. You have learned nothing here and this hour's allotment is far too hasty. Be prepared for a lesson in ringwraiths and barrow-wights tomorrow! 

Hermione: (starting to panic) Ring-whos? Barrow-whats?? How can we prepare when we don't even know what they are?!


	2. Gandalf Demented

Chapter 2

Next DADA class. Gandalf arrives to the room, rather late, again, and grumbling something about "useless as Radagast."

Gandalf: I hope you are all plenty well prepared for today's lesson. It seems this Mr. Dumbledore fellow is one of the least powerful Maiar i have ever encountered. He doesn't even know what a Hobbit is and he is surrounded by you little people! And when i mentioned going to war about this elvish oppression matter he seemed about as concerned as a Khazad is about anything that doesnt glitter! So i see it is left up to me again, the only truly capable wizard, since the first age. I must organize you young Hobbits and teach you what you need to know to defend not only yourselves against these Dark Arts, but also the elves... never have i seen such dark days! Why, even during the War of the Ring elves had the power to stand against Sauron....

Gandalf stops, at LONG last, when he realizes how many are sleeping soundly. 

Gandalf: Hmm... they remind me of old Bombur...

The only one really paying any attention to all this is, of course, Hermione.

Hermione: Mr. Gandalf, it is wonderful to see a professor here really concerned with the defending the poor little, helpless house elves.

Gandalf: Oh what a dark age this is! But why are these called "house" elves? Are there no more wood elves? What about green elves? What became of all the Galadhrim? I should like to see Mirkwood again, how fares old Thranduil? Surely he isnt one of these oppressed elves, no one could even stand the bastar... never mind.

At this point, even Hermione is beginning to drift off.

Gandalf notices the lack of attention being paid to him and spares the class the rest of his rants, for today, anyway. He grabs his staff and shoots a couple sparks from it, which are considerably loud and fly about the room at an appalling rate. The class sits up in rapt attention, hoping to see more of Gandalf's pyrotechnics. 

Gandalf: (clears throat) Well, as I was saying - 

The class groans, expecting another long rant about a ring, and a dark lord and something about the end of the world.

Gandalf: Today we are going to be discussing Ringwraiths. I was going to bring one in to show you, but since I could not find one, I have found the next best thing...

Gandalf goes to his closet and pulls out a tall, cloaked figure. The class screams as they think it is a dementor.

Gandalf: Now, now, young Hobbits, this is not a real Ringwraith. I assure you, if it were, you would know. 

The class looks doubtful.

Gandalf: Now, you will note that Ringwraith's were once men. They were given rings of power by Sauron the deceiver and were doomed to wander the earth, a shadow of their former selves.... You will also kindly note that the Ringwraith's scream. 

Gandalf prods the cloaked figure and several grumbles are heard from inside it. The class looks slightly relieved as they know dementors do not make such noises (thank you, dear Professor Lupin). 

Gandalf: Grima, if you will not assist me...

Cloaked figure: I am NOT Grima!

Gandalf: Well you certainly look like him!

The cloaked figure throws back his hood, revealing a very, very irate Snape.

The class bursts into laughter. Snape looks even more irate, if that is possible, and storms out of the classroom.

Gandalf: That, young Hobbits, is why you should never trust one of the Rohirrim. Grima 'Wormtongue' is a very close ally to Saruman, who you call Voldemort. 

Ron: See, even this loony old buzzard knows that Snape is a Death Eater. 

Seamus: Who are the Rohirrim?

Gandalf: Best not to say. Just know that they cry a lot... a lot. So, you ask, how does a young Hobbit defend against a Ringwraith like that. Well, one method of defense, for Hobbits at any rate, is stones. You are all so naturally apt at stone throwing, that is a given. Another good defense for you all... (Gandalf reaches into his magic bag of tricks and produces two handfuls of...) butter knives! 

Gandalf distributes them to the students.

Gandalf: Now, i noticed your reaction to swords, bows, and axes, and having done a quick study of modern Hobbits, i see you are often portrayed wielding butter knives. Of course, in my day, Hobbits rarely left the table long enough to let go of their butter knives, and they always kept their forks. Rare was the Hobbit who actually knew how to use a sword. My dear friend Bilbo had a most excellent sword called Sting. It was made by the elves, you know! It shone blue when orcs were about. Let it be known, i never had anything to do with Bilbo's adventure, however. Now, Peregrin and Meriadoc, they were most accomplished in defense with a sword. But i didnt have anything to do with that either, that was all Boro-bastard's doing. 

By now the majority of the class has fallen to sleep again, leaving Gandalf standing there recounting his travels with the Fellowship. Since elves havent been mentioned, even Hermione isnt paying attention. Gandalf shoots off a couple fireworks again, purely arbitrarily, and everyone is again wide awake. 

Gandalf: It seems you all bathe in the River Running, do you? Else wise, a bit too much of the old vineyard last night? Well, be on your way, young Hobbits. But keep your butter knives close. These are very dark times! Perhaps next time we meet you will all have finished reading the course texts? 


	3. An Entcounter

Chapter 3 - An Ent-counter

Day 3 of DADA. By this time, the majority of the students are dreading Gandalf's lessons. Some have braced for another day's rambling, others have come to class intentionally sleepy. Gandalf arrives, this time a full 20 minutes late. A few students have already entered REM sleep.

Gandalf: Good morning, my dear Hobbits! Have you all brought your traveling cloaks? Today I am going to introduce you all to a Hobbit's best friend (other than pipeweed, that is). Every one outside to the field before the Forbidden Forest.

Several students are woken up and they all head outside. It has become a bit chilly and, of course, no one has a traveling cloak. Most of the students are rather unhappy with this unexpected field trip. 

Gandalf leads them over to the Whomping Willow. Harry and Ron try desperately to persuade him that it is really not a good idea to approach it. 

Gandalf: Nonsense! I saw this Ent just the other day, thrashing about. Rather hasty for an Ent, but then again, these are hasty times. Now, if you will observe.

Gandalf approaches old Whomper.

Gandalf: Mae govannen, Quickbeam!

Whomping Willow: WHOMP!

Gandalf narrowly escapes certain death... again. 

Gandalf: Certainly are hasty, old master Quickbeam! 

Gales of laughter are heard from the Slytherin group. A few distinct snickers can be heard from the Gryffindor's as well. 

Again, Gandalf approaches.

Harry: Gandalf, sir, if you want to approach that tree-

Gandalf: That is no tree, young Hobbit! (to Whomper) Annon edhellen, edro hi ammen!

Whomping Willow: WHOMP!

Gandalf: I have never seen a hastier Ent in all my 50,000 years! Well, perhaps it has grown rather wary in these dark days. One of you Hobbits should approach it. Ents love Hobbits, ever since I explained to Treebeard what they are, at any rate. (reminiscent laughter) He thought they were orcs! Of course, i straightened that out and once the Ent-moot was finally accomplished Treebeard and Meriadoc and Peregrin became fine friends. 

Class slowly backs away toward the castle.

Gandalf: You there, Longbottom-leaf! 

Neville looks dreadfully frightened.

Gandalf: (in a whisper) Haven't your parents sent along any of the Old Toby yet? This is killing me! Well, no matter... (Out loud) Now, i have heard from that very odd little Hobbit woman who teaches you all the care of plants (one of the Gamgee's, unless i miss my guess), that you, Longbottom, are very good with growing things. Perhaps Quickbeam will appreciate that in you. Go and say hello to him... just remember, do NOT be hasty. 

Neville stands frozen in fear.

Gandalf gives him a little "nudge" forward.

Neville runs about under Whomper, very nearly getting whomped several times.

Gandalf: No, boy! No! What are you doing?! I said DON'T be hasty! He's not liking that at all. Though it is odd, normally Ents use their limbs as rarely as possible. Most times they just stomp whatever they don't like. Perhaps he is going tree-ish... a pity. A most useful ally are the Ents, especially in days when evil wizards are running about, attacking young Hobbits and enslaving elves. 

Harry steps in under the flailing "Ent" and manages to get to the knot in the base of the tree which makes it stop whomping. 

Gandalf is overjoyed. 

Gandalf: That is excellent, my young Hobbit. You see, all you have to do is not be hasty. Now, let us all return to Minas Sinda. 

On the way back up to the castle...

Malfoy: Just wait, we will have a new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor by our next class. 

Pansy: But they can never find anyone willing to teach it. Look at this loony they had to drag out.

Malfoy: Well, maybe my father will teach us. He is more than qualified.

Harry: Yeah, Malfoy, who would know more about Dark Arts? Well, besides Voldemort i mean.

Malfoy: (with the usual sneer) Shut up, Potter. I suppose you think he is a doing a fine job, do you? Almost got your friend Longbottom killed, didnt he? Wait! Maybe i shouldnt tell father about him at all. At the rate he's going, he could have all you Mudbloods gone before the end of term!

Hermione: Well, it is unfortunate, but i do think something will have to be done. Maybe we can talk to Dumbledore about him, Harry. Perhaps he could just get him to stay to our curriculum. Those books he gave us, which you undoubtedly have yet to bother with, are fairy stories about strong and valiant elves... and as much as i think house elves deserve their rights, they are not exactly strong, valiant, or fair like these books suggest. In fact, the _Silmarillion _is actually nothing but the deeds of these elves.

Gandalf: (having overheard the last bit) Elves were valiant indeed, Miss Gardner! 

Hermione: Granger, Mr. Gandalf.

Gandalf: Very well. I should like to meet one of these house-elves, or is that too dangerous a mission? Where are they imprisoned? Surely not Angband?

Hermione gets excited again at the prospect of help with S.P.E.W.

Hermione: Do you mean Azkaban, Mr. Gandalf? No, but i can take you to the house-elves right after supper if you want!

Gandalf: Excellent. But we must exercise caution, young Gardner. What guards them? Orcs? Dragons? A balrog??

Hermione: Nothing, sir. 

Gandalf: Well, that is a relief. Very well, after supper we will pay a visit to the elves. Perhaps we can help them.

Harry pulls out of the pocket of his robes a piece of toast from earlier. 

Gandalf's eyes widen. 

Gandalf: Lembas! Where did you ever get lembas, young Potter?

Harry: At breakfast, sir.

Gandalf: But where did it come from, my lad?

Harry shrugs.

Harry: I dunno. I suppose the house-elves made it. 

Gandalf: Of course they did! Who do you think makes lembas, the Naugrim? You are certainly eating a lot of that. Might i have just a bit? I havent tasted lembas in ages (literally).

Harry gives Gandalf a corner. Gandalf takes it and looks displeased.

Gandalf: Have they even lost their magic for making lembas? This tastes like nothing more than a bit of toasted bread!

Harry shakes his head.

Harry: (to Ron) I wonder if we are going to learn anything about defending ourselves against evil.

Ron: Maybe he thinks that the best defense is frightening your enemy away with complete lunacy. 


	4. Galadriel?

Chapter 4 - Galadriel?

Later that day, after supper. Hermione goes to find Gandalf to take him to the kitchen to meet the house-elves, though she is a little wary that some of his delusions might get totally shattered. She sees him coming out of the staff room.

Hermione: Are you sure you really want to meet the house-elves, Mr. Gandalf? I really think they are a little different than the elves you are talking about.

Gandalf: My dear young Hobbit, i have put up with not only Elrond, Legolas, and Galadriel in my life, but also King Thranduil the Evil, who is actually a very kind and benevolent ruler. Unfortunate about his title, but i think some have him confused with the Very Reverend _Steward _Denethor, Bishop of St. Looney's of the Cream Bun and Jam.

Hermione: (patronizingly) Of course....

Gandalf: You are a studious Hobbit, Miss Gardner, perhaps you can tell me why there never seem to be any staves in the staff room except for mine. 

Hermione: Miss _Granger_.

Gandalf: No, it's Mr. Gandalf, Miss Gardner.

Hermione: Skip it. You are the only wizard here who uses a staff, Mr. Gandalf. (under her breath) But it seems to be nothing more than a muggle pyrotechnic producer.

Gandalf: Well, i only wonder because i think i may be in need of a new staff. Unfortunately, your guardian Ent, as good a job as he does, seems to have been scarred by Saruman's actions against trees. I believe he is still quite angry and offended by wizards. He didnt even recognize me! Now, in my day, all one had to do to procure a new staff was to simply visit the Gap of Rohan. There was also a staff store there, and a sword store. (whispers) Dont tell anyone this, but Lord Elrond never actually reforged Narsil. That's why he gave it a new name. It was really just a cheap replica he picked up on the way in to visit his strange... i mean estranged... foster-son.

Hermione: (looking a little disturbed) Maybe in Diagon Alley. 

Gandalf: Well why would i want a slanted staff? Would be falling over all the time like Frodo, wouldnt i?

Hermione shakes her head and decides it is probably best to not say anything at all until they reach the kitchen. They find the painting and Hermione proceeds to tickle the pear. Now it is Gandalf's turn to look rather disturbed. The doorknob, nee pear, appears and they enter. 

Strange Gollum-like creatures immediately surround them with proffering of multitudes of toast. Gandalf trips over at least three of them cursing them loudly. 

Gandalf: I thought you told me we were going to liberate elves?! I do not know how Gollum has multiplied, but this is surely a work of Saruman. Not only does he breed Uruks, but now Gollums!

Hermione: Umm.... Mr. Gandalf, these are the house elves.

Gandalf: Look, not every creature with pointy ears is an elf. These are NOT elves!

Hermione: Sadly, they are. Dobby, tell Mr. Gandalf what you are.

Dobby: Dobby is a recently freed house elf, Mr. Gandalf Sir. Can Dobby get you some nice toast? It seems we have a terrible oversupply.

Gandalf: Now, look here, little Smeagol! I have known many elves, i have also had the displeasure of meeting Smeagol. You are a Smeagol!

Dobby: Dobby doesnt know what a Smeagol is, Mr. Gandalf Sir, but if Dobby were permitted to use magic perhaps he could turn into a Smeagol for Mr. Gandalf's amusement. But alas, Dobby is but a house elf. 

Gandalf: You are not an elf!

Dobby begins to cry and beat himself with pans.

Gandalf: You see, not only are you a little Smeagol, but you have also grown accustomed to Samwise forever attempting to stove your head in.

Hermione: Mr. Gandalf, you have to believe me, these are elves, really. Look...

Hermione pulls out a little gold ring and holds it up. Nothing happens.

Hermione: Had Dobby been a Smeagol, he would have ripped my hand off for that, right Mr. Gandalf?

Gandalf: Well, of course... but... no, these are not... they can not be...

Dobby brings a chair for Gandalf just in time for him to collapse in confusion. 

Dobby: Would Mr. Gandalf like to meet Winky, Sir?

Gandalf: Winky? What is Glorfindel doing here? Oh, everybody in Middle-earth knew about Wink... i mean, Glorfindel. Why do you think Elrond sent him after Frodo? He couldnt stand another minute of his incessant flirtations. I mean, it's understandable, he had that thing with Liberace going on. Supplied all his candelabras and all. 

Dobby: Mr. Gandalf... Winky is a girl.

Gandalf: Well now, Glorfindel may have been a tad effeminate, but he was still a man!

Now even Dobby is becoming a bit concerned.

Winky begins to cry in a shrill high-pitched, excruciatingly annoying tone. 

Gandalf: I am mistaken... but what has happened to Galadriel? Is this what they have done to Noldorian elves? I can certainly understand... after that nasty business at Alqualonde and all. Miss Gardner, are you quite sure we should be freeing these elves? You do know that Galadriel is quite possibly the most annoying elf since Feanor? Little git he was, to make use of your vernacular.

Hermione: Mr. Gandalf, you are starting to act a lot like Ron Weasley... 

Gandalf laughs jovially. 

Gandalf: He is a humorous little Hobbit, isnt he?

Hermione: I think we should be heading back now.

Gandalf: Very well, but what has become of the nicer elves? The wood elves, the ones who never slew any kin?

Hermione: Let's just go Mr. Gandalf.


	5. Shelob Lives!

Chapter 5 - Shelob Lives!

The next morning our good old Gandalf decides to find out what has happened to the beloved wood elves. Naturally, he heads out toward the Forbidden Forest, where else would wood elves shelter. 

Harry, Ron, and Hermione spot him striding determinedly across the grounds.

Harry: He isnt going into that forest alone? What is he going to look for in there? Ron, if he runs into your dad's car, he's probably going to mistake it for a "oliphant" or something. 

Hermione: I agree with Harry. I think we better go with him, he could get into serious trouble.

Ron: Isnt it better for a several thousand year old wizard to get into trouble than us? 

Hermione: Ron! He is unstable. What if something happens to him?

Ron: Does it matter? It's not like we are learning anything in his class as it is.

Hermione: Would you rather they bring back Professor Umbridge? 

Ron heads for the door.

Ron: Hurry up already! And Harry, bring your cloak.

They all run out of the castle just in time to catch up with Gandalf at the edge of the woods.

Gandalf: Well, good morning, my young Hobbits. Seeking an adventure are you?

Harry: We thought we had better go with you, Mr. Gandalf. We have all been in here before, and you havent.

Gandalf: That is true, though it is strange. I suppose i have been too busy planning your important lessons to have an enjoyable afternoon strolling through these lovely trees.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione look at each other as if to incredulously say "important? Lovely??"

Into the Forbidden Forest they go. Ron trembles as he remembers the incident with the spiders.

Ron: (in a tense whisper) Harry! What about the spiders?!

Gandalf turns suddenly, having heard the remark about spiders. 

Gandalf: (in a concerned whisper) Spiders? 

Ron shakes his head nervously.

Gandalf: Young Hobbit, you have encountered these spiders before?

Ron: (squeaks out) Y-y-yes.

Gandalf grips Ron's shoulder.

Gandalf: You must tell me what you saw! Describe these spiders! At once, young Hobbit!  
  
Ron: (completely white now) It was... big.... very, very big.

Gandalf: Shelob! This has happened before to the wood elves, we must help them. Onward Hobbits!

Harry: Actually, Mr. Gandalf, it's name is Aragog.

Gandalf: How has Aragorn gotten into this mess?! Silly rangers!

Gandalf is now fairly running through the trees.

Gandalf: Keep up, Hobbits! The fate of the wood elves is at stake! Evil King Thranduil can not fight this force of ungols with only Legolas's amazing and almost super-elven skills as protection.

Gandalf suddenly freezes mid-flight. Ron blanches and emits a terrified wail. Harry and Hermione just stand there. They have met Aragog. 

Gandalf draws Glamdring and his staff.

Gandalf: Stay back, foul beast!

Aragog: These children have wandered into my lair before, but you who speaks so pompously i have never met. Are you friend to Hagrid too?

Gandalf: I have heard of this fellow from my students. (Gandalf goes off into another fit of anecdotality.) I suppose he is some relative to old Beorn...

Harry: Gandalf! We should really go... NOW!

Gandalf: (obliviously) Now, speak to me, foul ungol! What has become of the wood elves? Obviously this Hobbit school is located at the edge of Mirkwood. Now how did Shelob escape Samwise's final blow? 

Spiders close in around them. Eyeing them multiple times, hungrily.

Gandalf: I see you have come to thrive in this wood. Now, lead me to King Thranduil, you impetuous spider!

Ron: (with an extreme case of nerves) I don't know about that idea, Mr. Gandalf... can we just go now? Please?????

Harry, Ron, and Hermione break into a frantic run away from the spiders. Gandalf stands there arguing with Aragog for a while, flinging back his children with his staff. After a few hours of this (and a few impromptu tales about spiders in Mirkwood) Gandalf convinces himself that the elves of Mirkwood have left and taken up residence in the Shire in the Old Forest.


	6. The Incident with the Palantir

Chapter 6 - The Incident with the Palantir

Next DADA class. Ron is still recovering from the outing in the Forbidden Forest. Hermione is completely torn, not knowing whether Gandalf is a genius or a madman. Harry, Harry has put up with it all before and has become totally jaded. Neville is still pretty suspicious about going anywhere near the classroom.

Gandalf enters, this time a new record half-way through the class. 

Gandalf: Mae govannen, little Hobbits! It seems in your accounting of time we have but little time left for our lessons. Now, we must all go quickly. Long have i wondered about that northern tower. I had a very strange suspicion that i might find one of the lost seeing stones (which are not all accounted for). And such is what i have found. You must all come with me so that you know what to avoid. 

Class looks around at each other, exchanging glances something to the effect of "not Trelawney!"

Gandalf: Mr. Weasley, i must request before we go that you absolutely DO NOT look into the palantir. I have had that trouble once already, and once in 30,000 years is more than enough.

Harry: Mr. Gandalf, how did you manage to get into Trelawney's tower? I highly doubt she would ever let anyone in there between classes.

Gandalf: My young Hobbit, there are many things about wizards you do not know. As Gildor once said to little Frodo, "Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger."

Harry growls. Whether more at being called a Hobbit (which he has recently learned, from Hermione, are three feet tall, have curly hair, and huge, furry feet) or at being told he doesnt know much about wizards, it is not easy to say.

Gandalf: This "Voldemort" Saruman you have spoken of, does he possess a palantir? Your potions teacher, some long while ago, threw Saruman's at me and i restored it to King Elessar (why Grima Wormtongue is permitted to teach you young Hobbits...). But it is possible that he has found another. If he has, it is very dangerous to look into. He may be watching.

The class, who has totally tuned out his ramblings, follows Gandalf up to the tower and Gandalf proceeds to barge right into the middle of a divination session. 

Trelawney stands up, outraged at Gandalf's impoliteness. 

Trelawney: How dare you interrupt this class?! I was just reading tea leaves which seem to suggest that _you _(points dramatically at Gandalf) are about to meet a most... strange doom!

Gandalf: My dear, insane woman, i must confiscate this palantir you have been using. Do you know the danger having that object in here poses? And around all these young Hobbits!

Trelawney: The only danger here is you, you old lunatic!

Gandalf: You have seen the mind of Saruman! He controls your will. I must wrest this tool of evil away from you, woman! I have not battled a balrog and faced an army of gollums to bandy barmy words with a complete nutter like you, as these young Hobbits would say.

The Defense Against the Dark Arts class and the Divination class stand caught between awe and hilarity, watching this loony showdown. The Divination students have been waiting for this, since there were really mixed feelings about Trelawney's removal last year due to Umbridge's involvement.

Gandalf jumps for the palantir.

But Trelawney blocks!

Gandalf ducks and makes a quick save.

Trelawney blocks left but Gandalf... no! Gandalf goes right and catches the snitch... um, palantir.

Grabbing one of numerous shawls randomly tossed around the room, Gandalf shrouds the palantir and jumps down from the tower room, running at a sprint, Trelawney close behind.

Gandalf bursts out of the castle, having now attracted a huge crowd. 

He runs for the lake. Trelawney's scream pierces the beautiful sunny afternoon as Gandalf lobs her fortune-teller ball thingy into the watery depths, thereby ending the palantir terror.

Trelawney stands frozen in horror for a few moments before launching an attack.

Trelawney: (pulling out her rarely used wand sends a few spells forth) "Stupefy!" "Accio staff!" "Petrificus Totalus!"

Gandalf stands perfectly calm in front of a raging Trelawney, gripping his ever-trusty staff. 

Gandalf: I do not wish to use my awesome Maia power against a lady. Now please step aside, Madame Treloony. The danger of that palantir is gone for now, and no more shall your mind be controlled by Saruman!

Trelawney is in such a rage that she is babbling incoherently at the top of her voice. The large crowd that was drawn has started to back away in utter terror and a few professors have come forward, attempting to help. They too back away rather quickly though. 

Trelawney starts hurling spells without discrimination. Now "stupefy", now "orchideous" until there is a lawn full of stunned students and professors covered with flowers.

After a great deal of "ennervate" and "evanesco" the scene is put to right again, though placating Trelawney will be another matter. She ends up in hospital wing receiving sedatives from Madam Pomfrey for about three weeks. After which Madam Pomfrey gives up and administers a good old fashioned "obliviate" charm. 

Of course, it is never actually revealed that Madam Trelawney's episode was all Gandalf's fault. As usual, he does not actually visit her in hospital, opting instead to shirk yet another responsibility.


	7. Gilderoy Killed a Balrog Too

Chapter 7 - Gilderoy Killed a Balrog Too

Next DADA class. The majority of the students have a great new respect for Gandalf after what they witnessed last week. Except Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil, who are seriously disgruntled with their DADA professor.

Gandalf enters, a little early today, ten minutes after class was to begin. It must be a very important lesson today. Gandalf marches straight to the front of the class, a big rolled-up parchment in hand. He unfurls it, displaying the image to the class. No one quite knows what it is.

Gandalf: Now, you young Hobbits have probably never seen one of these before. Dark these times are indeed, but i have seen no sign of a Balrog yet. Nevertheless, you should know what to do if you encounter one. 

No one has yet figured out exactly what the image he is displaying is. Some are arguing that it has wings, others that it does not. Some believe those are fuzzy slippers on its feet. Still others seem to be under the impression that it's got the head of a lion.

Gandalf: Now, this is not a very good likeness of a Balrog, naturally. 

Hermione: Mr. Gandalf... what exactly is a Balrog in the first place?

Gandalf: You are the inquisitive little Hobbit arent you, Miss Gardner? Well, a Balrog is a demon of the ancient world, a servant of Morgoth...

It continues like this for roughly 10 minutes. Until at least...

Gandalf: And only the Flame of Anor can hold it at bay.

Harry: Mr. Gandalf, i dont know what the Flame of Anor is, but i am sure none of us has it... so how are we supposed to fight a "Balrog"?  
  
Gandalf: You are not! You are supposed to fly! (mutters) You fools.

Harry: (looks over to Ron, muttering) I didnt think he'd been to a Quidditch game yet. I was expecting some bother about "Hobbits can't fly! Only house elves can do that!" 

Malfoy: So how do you fight a Balrog? I am sure my father could do it!

Gandalf looks offended. 

Gandalf: I have seen your father speaking to the strange old wizard who runs this school. And no, Haldir could NOT fight a Balrog! I fought a Balrog, Winky... i mean, Glorfindel fought a Balrog. But Haldir... no, Haldir could most definitely not fight a Balrog. It was on the Bridge of Khazad-dum. That fool of a Took woke the bloody thing up from it's nap and it took it out on me. Damn Hobbits all got out fine, mind you. The whole thing was their fault. Mr. Whiney was the one who wanted to go in there, i mean besides the dirty little hairy fellow, what was his name? Gimmels. No one else wanted to go. I didn't, Boro-bastard didnt, Aragorn didn't. Legolas seriously didn't. But no, it wasnt a case of majority rule was it? No, in those days Middle-earth was not the autonomous collective most people fooled themselves into thinking it was. It was a dictatorship, a self perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes.... Well, anyway, it was left up to me, as usual, to get rid of the Balrog, even though there was no chance that it would have left that cave. I had to fight it from the depths up to the peak of the mountain before it would give up and let me get on with taking the detour to Fangorn to hang out with Treebeard and let those ungrateful idiots wander around aimlessly on their own for a while before i graced them with my aid again. Of course, once i did, did i get any thanks? NO! I got "well, you havent changed much." Damned King, who did he think he was?!

Gandalf storms out of the classroom to sulk about the whole matter.

Ron: Yeah... and i'm sure Gilderoy fought a Balrog too.


	8. Which One Are You?

Chapter 8 - Which One Are You?

Gandalf is heading down the hall to DADA class (how late is he today? No one really cares anymore, do they?). Today he is accompanied by two _real_ elves, who happen to be mirror images of each other, and one cloaked and hooded man looking tired, hungry, and not really that happy to be tagging along in this weird place.

They all together enter the classroom, where there is a crowd of students all huddled around Gandalf's desk. Suddenly a firework shoots up from the center of the crowd.

Fred: Weasley's Wildfire Whiz-bangs! 

George: Available at Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, Number 93, Diagon Alley!

Gandalf, in a sudden fit of jealousy, shoots off about six fireworks, scaring everybody half to death.

Fred and George retort with a few more of their own. Thus began the infamous War of the Firework Producing Wizards.

Before long, the whole room is nothing but fireworks and students hiding under their desks. Neither Gandalf nor Fred and George were willing to back down until...

Enter Professor Lupin.

Lupin: Fred! George! Get rid of these fireworks before someone gets hurt... namely me!

Fred and George sulkily whisk away their creations, Gandalf's remain however.

Lupin: Excuse me, Professor Gandalf... is there a way you could see fit to removing your pyrotechnic displays?

Gandalf manages twice the sulkiness of Fred and George combined. 

Slowly, very slowly, do people start coming out from their cover. 

Ron: Harry! What is Moony doing here? 

Harry: After that rant last week i thought i needed to send for backup. Not a moment too soon, fortunately.

Gandalf: Ahem! 

Class shudders as one, harkening back to the Umbridge days.

Gandalf: To get on with this, without any further interruptions. After having met with the elves who are imprisoned within this castle (i am asked to mention something about good stonework, word must get around) i thought it best if i bring in my dear friend Elrond's sons, Elladan and Elrohir. Don't ask me which is which. Don't ask them either, they will never give you a straight answer. 

Ron: (mutters) Sounds like Fred and George.

Gandalf: These, my dear young Hobbits, are Elves. They are here to help you defend yourselves against Saruman and his Uruks. They are also going to help make sure that those... things you so callously refer to as elves (little Smeagols they are!) never see the light of day again.

Elrohir: (aside to Gandalf) They're a bunch of Noldorian kinslayers, aren't they Gand-dude?

Elladan: (to Elrohir) He said grandma was there, right? What other excuse do we need? I mean, she's pyscho. Ever see her do the Dark Queen thing?

Elrohir: (to Elladan) She did that to me once when i broke her magic birdbath.

This banter continues for some time. Meanwhile...

Hermione gasps in horror and stands up indignantly.

Hermione: Mr. Gandalf! I thought you were going to help get freedom for the elves?

Gandalf: Not after what i saw there. Morgoth can have them. 

Hermione storms out.

Ron cheers Gandalf. He's not quite sure who this Morgoth fellow is, but he sounds like someone who could get rid of house elves and S.P.E.W. all at once. 

Gandalf: You see, young Hobbits, elves are not really in any peril. Now, in the interest of toning down our lessons a bit, i dont want to over-shock you little Shire-lings too much, i have also brought along a mortal man, one who is a Hobbit-friend. I was going to try to persuade Strider-gorn (said sarcastically) to come along, but he hasnt exactly spoken to me since Denethor died and made him King. (Starts muttering off in a ramble) King! Always did think he was better than everybody. Damn rangery loser-gorn.... And he thought Gollum stank, like the one about the pot and the kettle!

Faramir removes his hood and clears his throat. 

Faramir: Mithrandir, these are obviously not Hobbits. Most of them are the height of mortal children for one, and for another, they are wearing shoes.

Gandalf: Well, of course they are Hobbits, boy! Didnt you see that one who just left, her curly hair. She is one of the Gardners. And that one with the messy dark hair who looks like Frodo Baggins, he is a potter. That fat one there is a Longbottom, though he had yet to acquire me any of the family leaf (said in an almost menacing tone with a meaningful stare at poor Neville who is looking a little upset.) Those two over there with that annoying, dreary little blonde Hobbit who claims his father is Haldir of Lorien, i think they might be of orc breeding. Or at least Sackville-Bagginses.

Faramir sits down next to Lupin and shrugs. 

By this time, Elladan and Elrohir have started a conversation with Fred and George.

Elladan: How did you get dragged into all this?

Fred: Our baby brother said he needed someone to entertain their Defense Against the Dark Arts class. Is this Gandalf guy really always late for everything?

Elrohir: (Assumes loveable, gruff old wizard voice) A wizard is never late, Frederic Weasley. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely three days after everyone else has already cleared up whatever mess he got them into.

George: Hey, your dad doesnt collect plugs, does he?

Elladan: (quizzical look passing over him) No... worse. He collects aging Hobbits and candelabras.


	9. Oh Bother, Where Art Thou?

Chapter 9 - Oh Bother, Where Art Thou?

Whilst both sets of twins continue their conversation, Faramir and Lupin, who are still seated, strike up one of their own.

Lupin: So, you're very familiar with this Gandalf fellow, are you?

Faramir: Oh yes, quite familiar. He used to teach me when I was young. Mind you, he wasn't quite so senile then. Which is a miracle really, considering his age.

Lupin: How old is he?

Faramir: Oh...about.... (attempts to count on fingers, but no one, not even Vishnu, is scientifically able to calculate such a thing using only their digits) Well, it's somewhere in the twenty-something thousand range.

Lupin: (laugh) You've got to be kidding, right? 

Faramir, however, shakes his head.

Lupin: How's he stayed around that long? 

Faramir: If you ask me, it's got something to do with all that leaf he's been smoking. Or maybe it's just Narya.

Lupin: Nar-what?

Faramir: Narya. It's Elvish for "Ring of Fire".

Somewhere, the ghost of Johnny Cash begins singing....

Lupin: I didn't know they had their own language.

Faramir: Yes, and it's a bloody confusing one at that.

Lupin and Faramir sit in silence for some time, contemplating the language of the Elves, and other such unimportant things. The rest of the class remains in the room, just to see what happens next. This, of course, includes Harry and Ron. 

Harry: I really wish I could talk to Lupin, but I don't want to bother him. He looks busy.

Ron: (with strange gleam appearing in his eyes) Harry, did you say...bother?

Harry: Yes I - oh, no Ron. No. You know what happened last time we tried to bother Snape!

But it is too late, Ron is already creeping up behind Lupin. Harry follows to try to stop Ron. Ron is now right behind Lupin, and suddenly, he pounces.

Ron: (tagging Lupin) BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER!

Lupin looks startled and jumps out of his seat. 

Lupin: Ron! Harry, what is he doing?

Harry: (sigh) It's...well, it's Bother. You can't say it in front of Ron or he goes a little... (tilts head to the side and holds his hand to his head, making a circular motion with his index finger)

Faramir: (nods knowingly) My father, Denethor, did something similar at the mention of fire. And if I recall, Lord Elrond went a bit out of it at the mention of eggplants. 

Ron has calmed down enough to mouth something resembling "eggplants?" at Harry.

Unfortunately, right about this time Elladan and Elrohir have decided to start up the Middle-Earth version of "bother" - Tig... from which no one is immune. Unless, of course, you have thoroughly read the rule book.

Elladan's eyes are gleaming much like Ron's did. He reaches out in a sly manner, touching his brother's shoulder.

Elladan: (shouts) TOG!

Elrohir, looking annoyed, returns the action, a little more forcefully.

Elrohir: TAG!

Elladan: Oh no! You can not "tag" on a "tog"!

Elrohir: Yes you can... it's a tag you cant tig on. 

Elladan's face goes a little slack in confusion before reaching out, slapping Fred on the arm.

Elladan: TIG!

Fred: Sorry?

Elladan repeats the action, a lot more forcefully, practically pushing Fred off his chair.

Elladan: I said - TIG!

George: What's a tig?

Elrohir: It's a game these little pheriannath - i mean Hobbits - made up. 

Fred: Can you teach us?

Elladan: We could, but it's easier to buy the rulebook.

George: They have a rulebook?

Elrohir: Yeah, but you can only get it at the Rivendell Yard Sale.

Elladan: Or the Gap of Rohan. But I don't suggest going there.

Elrohir: The salesman will cry on it.

Fred: Say, what exactly are Hobbits anyway?

Elladan: Gandalf seems to be under the impression that all these young people here are. Though i think Faramir is right, they are kind of tall for Hobbits. But that dark haired one really does look a lot like Frodo Baggins.

George: Frodo Baggins! What kind of name is that?! Besides, he's Harry Potter, the most famous wizard alive today. He has defeated Voldemort on several occasions. 

Elrohir: Well, Frodo defeated Sauron. And he was a powerful Maia... not as powerful as Gandalf though, which begs the question, if Gandalf was so powerful, why didnt he just battle Sauron himself?

Elladan: 'Ro, he's a chronic shirker... what do you expect? He sent Frodo and Sam because he didnt feel like putting out any more power than exorcizing Theoden. He even sent the bloody Ents to defeat Saruman for him.

Elrohir nods.

Fred and George exchange bewildered glances, mouthing the word "Maia?"

Elrohir: Maiar are wizards, well, all wizards are Maiar but not all Maiar are wizards. Sauron isnt a wizard, Melian wasnt a wizard. Well, you get the idea.

Fred: So we are Maia? 

Elladan: No, you are people. Mortals, like Faramir.

George: But we are wizards.

Elrohir: That's impossible! 

Fred: Well, that's what mum says sometimes, but really, we are. 

George: Who is this Frodo anyway?

Elladan: He's the Hobbit who was the ring bearer. Why adar ever let him carry it is beyond me. We didnt hear the end of the whining about that one until Gandalf dragged him to the Grey Havens and forced him to go west. He lived with his uncle Bilbo, who stole the Ring from Gollum, and for about twenty years we had to put up with the old grouch.

Elrohir: That was dad's fault again. He actually invited him to stay as long as he liked. Of course, dad thought he would stay there a day or two and then go to Hithaeglir again, get lost, and die there. But no, and twenty years later Imladris was facing the most serious famine we have seen in ages. Literally.

George: That is strange. Harry lives with his fat, grouchy uncle too. 

Elladan: Did Harry's parents die in a "boating accident" too?

Fred: You mean you don't know?

Elrohir: We've been stuck in Middle-earth for how long? News just doesn't spread as well there.

George: Harry's parents were murdered by Voldemort.

Elladan: Voldemort, eh? I believe Gandalf said something about him being a re-incarnation of Saruman?

Elrohir: Well, it makes perfect sense if you think about it. Those hobbits can say whatever they want about Frodo's parents dying in a boating accident. I tell you, it was Saruman!

Elladan: Does Harry have any wounds that bother him frequently of which he does not shut up?

Fred: Does he! Who do you think gave him that scar on his head?

Gandalf: Whom!

Faramir: He's doing his Ent impression?  
  
Lupin: No, he meant that it is correct to say "Whom do you think gave him that scar?" Thank you Grammar-

Faramir jumps up, waving his arms, and shouting.

Faramir: NO! NO! Don't say the wizard's name! 

Lupin: Grammar-dalf.

Faramir snaps in frustration.

Faramir: Too late.

Suddenly Fred, George, Elladan, and Elrohir start running around the room tigging, tagging, and togging, and bothering, everyone in sight. They are even foolish enough to get Grammar-dalf into the act.

Lupin: (sighs) You know, I think we may be the only rational ones left in this place. I think we need to have a visit with Dumbledore, this is out of hand.

Faramir: I _know _we're the only rational ones in this place. Lead the way, Master Lupin.


	10. The Kinslaying at Hogwarts

Chapter 10 - The Kinslaying at Hogwarts

Read Baron Von Halfsmufen's _Mall Marauders_ fanfic for more on the Giant Swirling Vortex of Imminent Doom

In Dumbledore's office.

Lupin: So you see, Dumbledore, this Professor Gandalf is really not doing any teaching.

Faramir: He's totally gotten everything confused. He thinks those students are Hobbits! No Hobbit would ever sit through one of his classes! Seems you can indeed learn all there is to know about their ways in a month, but after a couple million years you can still confuse them with human children.

Lupin: No, i have seen pictures of Hobbits... those students look nothing like Hobbits. Hobbits are small, stunted, and rather ugly little folk.

Faramir: Actually, they are somewhat fair... for little people. I think you are confusing them with dwarves.

Faramir shudders with the memory of the dwarves who invaded Minas Tirith at Gimli's request after the War.

Dumbledore: (under his breath) If i ever meet up with Lord Elrond again, i am going to murder him.

Lupin: Lord who?  
  
Faramir: Lord Elrond. He was the lord of Rivendell back in Middle-earth. It was actually him who got us into all this mess. He was getting sick of Gandalf hanging around him in Valinor so he sent him here, having heard that modern wizards have a school. Actually, Professor Dumbledore, a lot of people who have met Elrond have had the same reaction.

Dumbledore: Well, this settles it. I didnt mind so much when the Giant Swirling Vortex of Imminent Doom was just used by the Weasleys and the Marauders in their impish mischief, but this is more than i can deal with. I should have taken Minerva's advice to just bring you back, Lupin, in the first place. But then i had to listen to this Elrond's stupid tales about beasts called "balrogs" and "orcs" and childish stuff like that!

Faramir: Um... Professor... those things were a serious threat in Middle-earth. Along with Ringwraiths.

Dumbledore: Not you too? I thought the two of you were the only sane one's left here... barring myself of course.

Faramir: The point, Dumbledore, is that we need to replace Professor Gandalf, soon, and send him back through the Giant Swirling Vortex of Imminent Doom.

Dumbledore: It's not quite that simple, Master Faramir. It isnt like summoning the Knight Bus.

Faramir: Knight what???

Lupin: How, exactly, do you know that?  
  
Dumbledore: Well... i know because... uh... do you mean about the Knight Bus or the Giant Swirling Vortex of -

Lupin: Yeah, the Vortex.

Dumbledore tries desperately to dodge the question.

Lupin leans back smiling smugly.

Lupin: Go ahead, please, Professor Dumbledore.

Faramir: Not to interrupt, but we need to deal with the matter at hand here. This is worse than dealing with dad and Gandalf.

Lupin and Dumbledore than have a rather immature pouting contest.

---------------------------------------

Meanwhile... Gandalf's DADA class sits waiting, as usual, for their most interesting professor.

At long last the elderly wizard bursts into the classroom with Elladan and Elrohir following closely.

Gandalf: Dont let them leave the room! Those things are everywhere out there!

The twins block the door, but mostly from what is without in the halls. The look of fear and terror is plain on their fair elven features.

Elladan: What are they Gandalf?

Elrohir: They all look like Smeagol!

Gandalf: That's exactly what they are, Elrohir, a gathering of corrupted river-folk. They are worse than Uruks or Galadriel.

Elladan: Worse than grandma???

Elrohir steps away from the door, back to a crowd of students who are trying to see what's going on.

Ron: Harry! I dont believe it! They really are everywhere!

Harry: Oh no... Hermione must have freed them...

Gandalf: (aiming his staff) Stand back, everyone! _Naur dan hain!_

The hall outside the DADA room bursts into flames, screams are heard all over the floor.

-----------------------------------------------------

Back into Dumbledore's office.

Faramir hearing the screams jumps up and runs for the door.

Faramir: See what i mean? Now what is the old fool of an Istar doing?

Lupin and Dumbledore follow down the spiral staircase and out to the hallway, filled with magical flames.

Faramir: I thought the power of that ring of his was rendered useless when the One was destroyed?

Lupin and Dumbledore act quickly to deflame the premises. Out from the DADA classroom come Elladan and Elrohir, swords unsheathed, they chase the little smeagols out to the campus.

Peeves floats along behind them, cheering for the elven twins... they so remind him of the Weasley boys. All this commotion and uproar, and here poor Peeves had thought there would be no fun at Hogwarts at all after the twins graduated! It made him wish he'd latched on to Gandalf sooner... but then, Gandalf kind of scared him. More than the Bloody Baron.

Somehow a number of the house elves have gotten their hands on wands and know how to use them. The entire student body and staff have gathered to see this, reminiscent of the palantir incident.

Dumbledore stands on the steps of the school, wondering exactly how he is going to cover this up with the Ministry.

Elladan and Elrohir with Gandalf are facing off against the armed house elves. Gandalf stands as a beacon, deflecting their weak, mortal-elf spells while the twins go to battle against them.

Suddenly, out of nowhere (well, almost nowhere, but in actual fact, out of the Giant Swirling Vortex of Imminent Plot Bunnies, I mean Doom) comes a great host of elven warriors under white banners. Yes, the Vanyar of Valinor have arrived to save the world... again. They are accompanied by Elrond, who remains on the steps with Dumbledore.

After an hour or so of this unprecedented battle of elf against house elf it is all over, Elrond's twin sons having received one of two minor flesh wounds, Gandalf limping back to the castle, and a number of the Vanyar returning with them, looking around now, wondering where they are and why they just fought a bunch of ugly little misshapen beings that look like failed attempts at orcs.

Dumbledore glares at Elrond before _completely _losing his composure.

Dumbledore: Do you see what you have caused, you idiot elf! How am i ever going to explain this travesty to the Minister of Magic?! Well, i'm not going to Azkaban for it, i can assure you that. Perhaps you can go there, after all, it is ALL your fault, you pointy-eared, purple freak!

Gandalf: Careful, Dumbled-

Dumbledore: Purple isnt even your color!

Gandalf just shakes his head.

Elrond: (menacingly) **_What_** did you say?

Gandalf: My friend, Elrond, i think it is time you and i leave this world of theirs. Our work here is done. I think we should return to Valinor, as it seems the Giant Swirling Vor-

Elrond: (clutching his forehead) Maybe you are right, Gandalf. Very well, let us leave. Elladan, Elrohir, Lord Faramir, come along, we must return to Valinor quickly. Well, except you Faramir, you will just go back to being dead.

Faramir simply looks a little nonplussed, this whole new world being worse than having been married to Eowyn.

Ron: He's dead?!

Elrond for the first time actually looks at the students.

Elrond: Of course he is, young Hobbit. He is a mortal man and they do not live very long. He died ages ago, literally. For some strange reason, Eru deigned that he should return to this world with us.

Lupin: The reason isnt strange, you are. If Faramir hadnt come, i couldnt have upheld the rationality all alone.

Ron completely blacks out. Elrond tosses Madame Pomphrey some athelas.

Lupin: Wait, Lord Elrond! Can i not join you in your world?

Elrond beholds him curiously.

Elrond: Well, are you elven, half-elven, istar, or Ringbearer?

Lupin: What is an istar, that's a wizard right? Cause i am a wizard.

Elrond: Well, wizards are certainly welcome. Come along, young Remus. By the way, Dumbledore, i think i can help you replace Gandalf.

-------------------------------------

One week later at dinner.

Neville: (to Harry and Ron) Arent you glad that Professor Gandalf took the Giant Swirling Vortex of Doom home again? He was starting to scare me....

Ron: Starting to?

Harry: Imminent doom.

Neville: (looking frightened) What?!

Harry: No, there isnt any imminent doom... i mean it's called the Giant Swirling Vortex of _Imminent_ Doom.

Neville: (relieved) Oh... right. Did he keep asking you for "pipeweed"?

Harry: No, he just kept asking me if i was related to the Bagginses. I told him i was related to the Dursley's, but he didnt seem to know them. I think pipeweed is tobacco... why would we have that?

Neville: I hope our new professor doesnt smoke anything.

Dumbledore: Attention, please, students and staff. I am pleased to announce that we have been able to find a replacement for our Defense Against the Dark Arts class.

Dumbledore motions to the wizard at the far end of the table who wears robes of many colors.

Dumbledore: May i introduce you all to Professor Saruman....

__

Finis


End file.
